Dames don't lie..........do they??

It's a bit weird writing a blog. During my teenage years, I was always somebody who wrote a fantastic diary for the first eight days of January..... pages of absolute bollocks, dilemmas about fashion choices and appearances smattered with angst and full of massive grammatical bombs. Then I lost motivation. Ah, much has changed as you can see.

This weeks blog is motivated by spousal indignation, always a stellar motivator.

ME: "Look at this mate. Size 14- LOOK! They fit. Size 14. SIZE 14"
HIM: *smirks* "Are you really getting excited about a pair of size 14 Lycra leggings that are designed to stretch??! Really?!"
ME: "Oh" *makes mental calculations about digging up patio and dragging a bloody corpse down the stairs to deposit it, without disturbing neighbours*

So, nothing like a dose of reality to motivate you.............It did however get me thinking about disappointments in life and led me to compile my top 10. It was surprisingly easy to compile. I fear this is not a good sign.

1) Pirates of the Caribbean 4. Total bollocks. Johnny's only ever un-enjoyable film. A perfect record ruined.

2) Rome. Amazing history but full of people trying to rob you blind and graffiti covering every surface that Ceasar didn't touch. Husband and brother got into fisticuffs with both a Centurion in full costume and a small gypsy pickpocket within a few minutes of arrival.........it set the tone.

3) Pregnancy. Natural process? My arse. Glowing?? Yup, just like radioactive slime- bright green. Ditto gas and air- load of rubbish.

4) Fake tan. No explanation needed.

5) Trips to Ikea. So much promise, so much choice, so much arguing that divorce is on the cards before you even get near the 49p tumblers and candles in the market place. We can no longer go together.

6)  Any beauty product with 'firming' in the title. If you have an unattractive body part and want it both greasy and sticky but ultimately to remain unattractive, you will be satisfied with your purchase. Should you require some sort of cosmetic miracle, you will be most disappointed.

7) Big boobs. This whole process began with my best mate sitting in awestruck amazement as she got her entire head into one cup of my bra. I have always had big boobs- even when I was a slim jim. At the start of this process, my norks were a whopping 38J. I therefore feel more than qualified to offer this advice. Big boobs SUCK. As a gauche teenager, you get the uncomfortable stares and whistles. As an older teenager in nightclubs, you only pull wrong 'uns who have one two track minds. As a new entrant into the world of work, there are genuinely no buttoned shirts that fit properly over big boobs. As a bride, you invariably look as if you have got 'Right Said Fred" trapped beneath your corset which aee not very wholesome or virginal. As a breastfeeding new mum, you are in very real danger of smothering your offspring. As a post natal blob, you are left with delightful feet warmers which require the type of scaffolding last seen constructing the London Eye. There are no benefits.

8) Hot summer weather. Burnt, sweaty, itchy, red eyed and dripping. I have also spent the last 10 summers overweight so add 'sartorially constricted' to that list. I am a DELIGHT in August.

9) Birthdays after the age of 30. 

10) Expensive haircuts. Look AMAZING in the salon. You can never, ever EVER replicate the look again. After the first wash, it's game over. Return to 'cat dragged through hedge' style just with fewer split ends........and a much lighter wallet.

Yup, off to find that shovel and loosen a few patio slabs.......