I am TOTALLY over Easter.
Unlike Christmas which has the vague possibility of offsetting endless chocolate ingestion through the consumption of traditional healthy greenery such as sprouts, Easter is just pure greed. Chocolate coated, mini egg rattling, Lindt bunny smashing (seriously, the frikkin ears on those things are reinforced), Cadbury loaded GREED.
This whole episode has got me thinking about the stupid things we do that we know are bad for us but which we do anyway.
1) Diet coke. It can clean coins in minutes, dissolve teeth in days and has an ingredient list generally unchanged since 1883 aside from the removal (they tell us) of cocaine. Yet we drink it. Some of us drink so much of it that we are lucky to still have bones.
2) Alcohol. I should confess at the this point that I am teetotal and pretty much always have been. I used to say that I was allergic to alcohol but actually I have never been tested for this. At the age of 14, I drank a glass of 20/20 and was drunk for 2 days. A few weeks later I repeated the sorry saga with Hoopers Hooch. Ditto. I get drunk on posh brandy butter at Christmas and I stay drunk for days. Years ago, a GP suggested that I might not have the enzyme that breaks down alcohol and similar sugars and therefore it stays in my system for a LONG time (I get hyper on skittles. Less 'embrace the rainbow'. more embrace strangers and run naked through the park.......). Regardless of the cause, a week long hangover at age 15 left me teetotal. Sobriety has allowed me to observe, for many years, the truly mindblowing impact of alcohol on my fellow man........ it leaves me with one question every time I am out on a weekend night......WHY?????
3) Reading the Daily Mail website. It is addictive trash. You know you shouldn't do it but you do. Result: Complete and total despair for the future of the human race.
4) Pregnancy. It seems a good idea at the time. It generally ends with childbirth and then follows up with unending childcare.
5) Being persuaded to have a consultation at the beauty counter. Seems a good idea at the time. Results in spectacularly transvestite-esque appearance for the duration of your shopping trip and the purchase of expensive cosmetics in truly heart-stopping shades which never see the light of day again.
6) Christmas with family. Fantastic for the first 20 minutes after they/you arrive. By the time the turkey carcass is cold, you remember why we only have it once a year. If it it was any more than that, the sprouts would be blood splattered.
7) Waxing. Anything. Totally not worth it.
8) 'Popping' into Poundland. You emerge with £30 of Haribo, loo cleaner, kids craft materials that will stain the kids and the furniture, weird baking accessories that will warp in the dishwasher and a box of Toffifee. You went in for a solitary bottle of Johnsons Baby Wash.
9) Opening a store card.
10) Answering your landline between 10am and 4pm. There is never, ever anybody at the other end that you wanted to speak to.
11) Making lists. Only lethargy and despair can result. See above.
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