When you have an accent that makes you sound like a cross between Nanny from Count Duckula ("Oooooooh Ducky-poos") and Stella ("alright presh") with the additional bonus of an increasingly noticeable West Laaaaaaaandan twang, there are some avenues of employment which start to become inaccessible. Sex chat line host ("awight big boy, there's lovely, you got a gurt big un, ya get me".......the horror, can you imagine........)................news presenter ("it's been a well lush day for the economy my lovers, innit boom ting")................translator at the UN ("I ant got a clue what he's saying presh but he is all up in your grill, brrap brrap")..........I could go on but I won't.....not least of all because my knowledge of street slang has been severely depleted by 2 years away from social work......Now don't get me wrong, I haven't yet reached Nadine Coyle levels of incomprehensibility BUT I am one small regional move away from aural Armageddon..........
My accent has resulted in a complete inability to 'fly under the radar'. I have genuinely had the experience of a Halifax call centre employee remembering me from previous calls by virtue of my accent alone- just think about how many people a week they speak to............jesus...........It has also rendered the subjects of my wrath immobile with laughter as my voice gets higher in tone and more Welsh the more angry I become.....I eventually sound like Alvin the Chipmunk after a spell living in the valleys..........it is neither awe inspiring nor likely to instill terror........it was only during my pregnancies when I had a good 5 stone advantage over ANYONE who I met, that I was taken seriously when riled and even then, they smirked at me from a safe distance.......
When you combine the auditory assault with the er, visual spectacular that is me it is QUITE the first impression....this concerns me.........in the not too distant future, I will be returning to the big bad outside world after a period of fairly cloistered existence as a childminder. I will have to undergo my first job interviews for the best part of 8 years......I will be required to look and sound intelligent......hmmmmmmm. The world has changed and I am not sure it's ready to take me back just yet. The problem that I have is that I love being a social worker and I particularly love working with teenagers.....they are however not a demographic known to a) hold back on their opinions and b) be mindful of the fragile egos of portly middle aged ginger ladies who have spent the last 2 years wiping bums................I am not so much 'street' as 'bridle path' at this point in my life and it is additionally unfortunate that the jobs I intend to pursue involve working with gangs.............oh they are going to frikkin embrace me...........as if their lives aren't tough enough.......
There is one factor though whose influence I have come to depend on to some degree.........we'll call it the 'Dangerous Minds' factor. In that 1990's film, a svelte and groomed Michelle Pffiefer gains the trust and respect of her hardened, disenfranchised students. That film stank like 5 day old fish but wasn't just the awful script or the dire acting that didn't ring true in that movie- Michelle looked too good to be trusted by challenging teenagers.......honest.....look at the photos of the real life LouAnne Johnson who the film is based on- crazy hair, carrying a few pounds.......she looks 'right'. Teenage girls will be absolutely FOUL to any authority figure that they perceive as being thinner/prettier than they are and no amount of dedication and hard work will bring the little cowbags round to liking you. I base this sweeping generalization on my personal experiences.....I have gorgeous, kind, caring, slim, fashionable colleagues who have been treated HORRENDOUSLY by their teenage social work clients, clients who focus much of their verbal abuse on seemingly jealous rantings towards these lovely girls..........I just got called a 'ginger c**t' which made a point but allowed us to swiftly move on to the main aim of the session (whatever it was). There is only so much mileage in the ginger/fat/Matalan abuse...........jealousy however will fuel real nastiness.........
I remember vividly the moment in which I discovered that in my cuddly physical blandness I had a useful weapon.......At the age of 22, I was the allocated worker for a strikingly good looking lad of 14 who looked 17. He was very withdrawn and hostile towards social workers and our working relationship was not going particularly well. I took him to an open day at the local college where we met the tutors. He was silent and skulking a good 10 feet behind me as we walked along. My heart was sinking, this was going to be a frikkin car crash of a morning. However, when a kindly receptionist greeted us and asked " Would you and mum like to come and look round", my lad merely smirked and said "yep, come on mum". I followed gasping with indignation but unable to correct her due to bloody client confidentiality.......gggrrrrrrr.......I reiterate that I was 22 and that he looked 17..........at that moment, things changed. I think I became less threatening, a bit of a Les Dawson character BUT thankfully, one that he would now chat with. Three years later, aged 25, I took him to get his Year 11 Prom tux. He now looked 20........the shop worker greeted us, showed him some tuxes and asked which one 'mum' preferred...........aces........my lad smiled, put an arm over my shoulder and said 'Come on mum'.......I nearly cried but this time it was with pride..........
THIS, and this alone, is all that I bring to the street gang table........cuddliness and a crazy accent.......Theresa May needs to rethink the current Gang Strategy as I feel that I have hit on something........a whole swarm of chubby mummies covertly dropped into Tottenham, Tower Hamlets and Peckham armed only with some handbag soiled haribo, inoffensive mid-high street wardrobes and an accent that can stop traffic and I think we might see some real change............or maybe just a sudden spike in the murder rate........hmmmmm..........
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